Why You Shouldn’t Drink Beer

Don’t drink beer, because you will get drunk and die. Don’t drink beer with your friends, don’t drink beer standing up…just don’t do it. Promise?

Okay, now everybody take some coasters.

The side-effects of beer are gruesome and require immediate care. Trust us, we’re the experts.

BEER MAY CAUSE ACCIDENTAL FUN

After a few sips you may notice a twitch at the sides of your lips. This is called a smile. An awkward sound may even escape through your lips but whatever you do, DO. NOT. PANIC. This is a laugh and is easily cured.

Recommended: Put down the glass, and walk away. Keep drinking at your own risk. Symptoms may worsen.

MODERATE DRINKERS LIVE LONGER

Bad news, you’ve extended your life by a brew. Your chances of continuing to disappoint yourself and your mother are now higher than ever.

Recommended: Increase temper to get heart rate up. This’ll put you right back on the path of kicking the bucket while you’re still in your prime.

BEER CAN BE NUTRITIOUS

Maybe you thought you were filling your body up with empty calories. Nope. Nothing is sacred anymore. Now you have higher levels of B vitamins. You’re welcome.

Say hello to being the beer-burp champion! oh, and the soluble fiber will make you poop.

Recommended: One burger per beer to keep the unhealthy junk in stock.

BEER BOOSTS YOUR METABOLISM

Say goodbye to any hopes of having a dad-bod, or experiencing the sweet ease and comfort of resting your growler between the belly creases.

Recommended: Sit at the bar for an extra hour. Walk as little as possible. Minimal movement. Bathroom breaks optional.

BEER MAKES YOU A SOCIAL HUMAN

Awkward “hi, how are you?” conversations at the bar are okay, but if you’re already making plans with people outside of work, you’ve gone too far and we can’t help you

Recommended: Just keep drinking. You’re a lost cause.

Have fun. Be safe. Stay weird, friendos.

*This post is based on drinking a moderate amount and is in no way encouraging drinking in excess. As a famous dude-bro said: “Beer, if drank with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health.” – Thomas Jefferson.

But what did he know anyway?